Cocooned.

Narespect kila hustle lakini kuna two towns nimeona with very peculiar hawkers. Moja ni Karatina and no. 2 ni Nakuru, or is it a city nowadays. Wueeh the hawkers in these towns don’t give a damn about body language. They’ll talk to you, see that you’ve shaken your head in a not interested style but still continue to sell the unnecessary wares to you. They’ll even see that you are wearing earphones but still insist on selling you another set. I get it that times are tough, yes they are tough for me too. Kwanza when they see you with kids they’ll flock there with all manner of confectionery, CBC books and those wall hangings of A for apple, B for ball, C for cat. But I guess now they should make some with C for Chebukati/ Chererror, D for Dynasty, R for Ruling and N for null and void and so forth and so forth.
Back to the hawkers, some even expect you to buy out of sympathy and catch feelings when you don’t buy. But the worst are those who start lecturing you on political happenings that you don’t wanna hear about. All you wanna do is coil yourself in a cocoon like a full caterpillar and play that by the time you reach your destination you’ll have turned into a beautiful butterfly 🦋. Also that the avocados you had eaten won’t start manifesting themselves in a naphthalenelike phenomena whereby a solid transforms into a gaseous state without passing the liquid state. But it’s better that way since things be damned if it decides to change to liquid state while you are traveling.Kichaka nisaidie.
Have a transformative evening.

StillTheChronicler.

No invitation

Have you ever been told something by someone that carried you like a bus, only this did not carry you like the bus Judy or the Bus RÄ«akanau or coming closer to the slopes of the mountain you could say like Magutu controller. Haha, ama kama vile hawa maOrezzo wetu walibebwa huko Uingereza. At least saa hii wakisoma huu waraka, they can identify themselves with it.
Lakini that was way below the belt yaani, first no invitation, then you gatecrash then boom Judy here we come. Kapish. But since here in Kenya we say, ‘bora uhai’ I’m sure our fifth didn’t mind.

So back to bus Judy:
In 1990s, there was a bus called ‘Judy Smart Star’ & it was carrying the Nyeri/Othaya route. Let me tell you, this car was going. In fact, it was
finishing hills very fast & beating corners like lack of importance. (ta
kwaga bata). It even had song (yarī na rwīmbo) -the speakers were removing to remove! (kūruta kūruta).
Because those days there were no Michuki rules, the goers were even allowed to hold metal!.. (kūnyita chuma)
That bus, ‘Judy Smart Star’, has received a lot of accolades. Let me tell you, Judy was there a lot! (yarikuo muno). The makanga would beat its
ribs to stop for the goers and then load for them their burdens (mīrigo).The
goodness of that car, when it caught the road (yanyita bara), it was nyweeee…we wented & we wented. Let us went, we are thooose! TÅ«gÄ«thiÄ«,
tÅ«gÄ«thiÄ«, reke tugÄ«thii NÄ«ithui aciooo…
I don’t know the original author of this story so I won’t acknowledge them here. Just know it’s borrowed.
Maybe I should watch Judge Judy bang that gavel and say next case. Or better still listen to ‘take a message to Mary, but don’t tell her where I am….’
Yeah, thanks to bus Judy we arrived at Windsor Castle safely. 😂😂
#StillTheChronicler.

A dreamer

Just when I was about to think that I was slowly but surely turning into a dreamer like Joseph, I woke up to the sad fact that instead of dreaming about Jacob’s ladder, I was dreaming that I’d turned into KÄ«haico’s ladder and the cows were climbing up and down my back 😂. Seriously who even dreams anymore? KÄ«haico was a farmhand whom I only got to hear of his exploits from my siblings. Once upon a time, KÄ«haico saw a greeny and succulent kahÅ«rÅ«ra vine, you know those wild ones that cows love to munch on. Since it was up there and cows are grazers and not browsers, KÄ«haico conjured an idea to make the cows enjoy the greeny goodness. He constructed a ladder for them to ascend and have their seven course meal from up there like in the days of Babel. Which reminds me of that beautiful choir song, ‘siku za Babeli kulikuwa, watu wengi duniani, ndipo wakaanza kujenga Babeli, njia ya kwenda mbinguni. Walitarajia kweli kuenda mbinguni, Ili wakamwone Mungu wao, ndipo wakaanza kujenga Babeli, njia ya kwenda mbinguni.’
Now the only problem was that the cows could not be able to use the ladder despite KÄ«haico’s overzealous and relentless bid to coax them into doing just that.
Tafakari hayo. Meanwhile if I can’t dream in peace, lemmi sleep in peace. Just maybe you could play me Percy Sledge’s, ‘Ave Maria.’ And again don’t forget Lucky Dube’s, ‘be good to the people on your way up the ladder coz you’ll meet them on your way down.’

Aced

Stage fright can be characterized by several behavioural and physiological manifestations such as sweating, being tongue tied, dry mouth and even loss of words. I don’t know if being tongue tied and the tongue clinging to the roof of the mouth is one and the same thing?
However what I do know, is that stage fright is not a situation that one would like to find themselves in very often.
I remember pale high school when our Chemistry teacher saw us pass by the lab and beckoned upon us to approach the bench. She gave us a project to work on during the science symposium. Unlike our fifth, we didn’t do our homework very well; we just crammed what she’d told us in a nutshell and voila the day of the symposium came and we were like dry leaves in the fall season. It’s by mere luck that we were able to manouvre through the zonals which were held at ‘CanGoFree.’
During the district competition Zippy and I found ourselves in a room full of intelligent boys who not only wanted their own kind to scoop the award, but were also eager to put the girlchild in her place. Stick to languages, this ain’t your forte. Their intimidating looks were saying.Sema being tongue tied, It’s like that saying that drinking milk makes you stronger, but then you drink five glasses and try to move the wall but nothing happens. However drink five glasses of beer and the wall starts to move by itself. I felt like singing ‘I’ll never swim Kern river again.’ Only this version would be I’ll never pass by the Chem lab again.’
Now onto our dear son of the soil Mr. Riggy G, I thought stage fright is a thing for the feeble. I mean, these politicians almost look immortal, like they have the proverbial nine lives of a cat. After watching Wambora read the wrong speech and get out of it unscathed, I thought our very own DP, son of the mountain, the very one from ‘Mathira ma GÄ«thoomo,’ would ace this like it’s the MPESA pin.
Lakini nyinyi mboiz wa Kagz nyinyi, see your lives.
#StillTheChronicler.

A sure bet.

Kuna vitu ambavyo ni sure bet. Kama mat ya 2NK kupitia fuelling station immediately after kutoka stage. Then some dude gets out and rushes to the washrooms to relieve himself and I’m left wondering what could he have done if it hadn’t stopped? Then again as I’d said in my opening remarks, hii ni sure bet. Haki vile hilo jambo hunikera, I think I was born for flying 😂. Ni vile tu sijawahidiscover my potential.
Lakini kuna vitu vingine hukanganya mtu. Ever since our cottage industries vanished and we started importing everything from the Chinese including toothpick, siku hizi suruali ikipasuka unashangaa kama uchukue uzi na sindano uexercise your domestic science ama ununue super glue juu siku hizi zinaunganishwa na glue. Haki wachinku nyinyi.🤔
Also do you remember the kiwi variants; black, brown and toney red? Siku hizi shoes hucome in all colours mpaka kiatu kikikwaruzwa unashangaa kama uende mÅ«thokinjÅ« paints wakumixie na wakupakie kiatu juu as you all know wakati fiatu fyako finafyong’ara ndifyo unafyong’ara.
And just when I was beginning to feel my royal blood coming to life and hoped I’d be crowned the next queen of England kaboom Prince Charles beat me to it. I had even planned that my ascension to the throne would happen parallelogramically with the swearing in of the fifth. Then again I guess I’m not a sure bet like this man from Sugoi. All I can eagerly wait for now is the kaholiday. My don’t I love holidays.
#StillTheChronicler.

Lodged

Too many recent disassociations. The Damianos recently disassociated themselves with Chererror’s scientific calculator and then the plumbers were second in the EQMS to disassociate themselves with claims that they’d stay in the vicinity of the bathroom after repairs to watch the missus shower. I wonder who’s gonna lodge a complaint next.
Yeah I also wonder what the musicians are waiting for. They could at least state that, ‘we the musical society disassociate ourselves with the lyrics, ‘Inky pinky ponky, paka mielo disco,’ and state categorically that the said rhyme goes like, ‘Inky pinky ponky, father had a donkey, donkey died father cried, Inky pinky ponky.’ ‘We do hereby state categorically that any other rendition of the said rhyme is a taradiddle and the music copyright society treats it as such.’
After all that lawyal drama it’s now time to sit back, relax and have a banana smile as we await the ruling tomorrow. Then again the smile will a coefficient of that supreme decision.
Since I’ve been watching all this unfold from a distance, lemmi listen to Bette Midler’s, ‘from a distance.’I do hope that the eagle still takes to flight and more so I pray that even after the ruling, there’ll be harmony echoing throughout the land. It’ll be the voice of hope, it’ll be the voice of peace, it’ll be the voice of every man, every woman and every child in our land, even the unborn.
Adapted from a distance.
#StillTheChronicler.

A concern

With so many new and complicated words resurfacing as our learned brothers prepare to ambush us with the latest jargon in the Thesaurus I don’t know if I’m the only one who feels like the word screenshot leaves a bitter taste in my mouth (si uniscreenshotie 🤣). I mean the past tense of shoot is shot so I always feel like if I’m telling someone to send me a screenshot I should be saying screenshoot instead. But then again who I’m I to criticize the Queen’s language? Guess I’ll just get rid of the bitter taste in my mouth by submitting these my late submissions before these amicus curiae in the hope that they won’t use subterfuge and taradiddles to bury these my concerns.
Tupatane next session. Ya Judge Judy lakini. All rise 😂
#StillTheChronicler.

An epiphany.

Songs or should I say music is medicine to the heart. Now there’s just one drawback to that.When you don’t know the lyrics and you have to eat the teeth or better still cook up your own. For example this song, ‘my night nurse’ I used to sing, ‘my nightmares’ 🤣 Then there’s this song we used to sing during assembly pale Primo about how the prodigal son got an epiphany and declared, ‘nami nataabika hapa, nashiriki na nguruwe.’ which means I’m suffering here fellowshipping with pigs. What we used to hear though was completely offline, ‘nami natapika hapa, na shilingi na nguruwe.’ Behold I’m throwing up here with a shilling and a pig.’🤣
Now there’s also the other level madness where we’d swap the lyrics to a song. My brothers converted a song that says, ‘caitani ndangÄ«hota kÅ«nyita na mÄ«rimÅ« kana magerio’ to ‘caitani ndangÄ«hota kÅ«nyita na mÅ«toka kana mÅ«ithikiri, ona angÄ«kÄ«rwo mathagu ombÅ«ke, we mÅ«cuba wakwa Å«ndongorie.’ Which means the devil can’t get a hold of me whether by car or by bicycle, even if he’s put wings like Deadalus and Icarus my dear bottle guide me.’ My sister Mugz in all her childhood innocence ran to Gramz and said shosh shosh I have a song i’d like to sing for you. Shosh was like go ahead dear one. Mugz cleared her throat and was like doh, reh, mi, fah, sooooo…. Caitani……. Before she finished the first line she saw granny picking a piece of firewood and thought that granny was about to go warm for her the sweet leftover porridge, wueeh the next thing she heard made her run like lightning in a hurry screaming at the top of her voice. Well granny was not able to get a hold of her though 🤣 just like in the song. I guess you could say It was like that my story of a coat of khaki color.
#StillTheChronicler.

Assets

Have you ever felt so good about yourself and you smiled from ear to ear, then suddenly in a blink of an eye the feeling is gone and in its place bewilderment and cold calculations and not the Chererror’s calculus take preeminence . Well that’s how you feel when you are stealing your neighbour’s custard apple and they are all full of custard sweetness, then as you throw the peel down you happen to look down and realize that your old man is sitting comfortably at the base of the tree and is beckoning on you as the good Lord beckoned upon the wee little man Zaccheus, ‘Zakayo, harÅ«rÅ«ka.’ The only difference being that instead of forgiveness awaiting you at the base, what awaits you is a thorough flogging of the ‘nyama ya serikali and everything Paragoi related. And by the way, when did the government decide that that part of the body belonged to them? Couldn’t they have chosen sth like the hand since it’s related to all matters tax? Join me we wonder together.

On the slopes of the mountain, custard apples aka ‘matomoka’ are also called ‘ngundi’ mongo. Story has it that mzungu ate them and said, ‘they are good, just like mangoes.’ The person of house ( mÅ«ndÅ« wa nyÅ«mba) only heard good and mango hence the name ‘ngundi mongo 😉.’
#StillTheChronicler.

The long wait.

‘Ugia ngÅ«kÅ«,’ drink fast and furious except what you were being told to drink fast was not treetop or mirinda. No, it was a concoction of raw egg and milk/ tea. This was the tried and tested remedy for multiple upper respiratory infections but most prominently the common cold. It didn’t matter how horrible it tasted, it seemed like gulping it fast was part of the ingredients or part of the healing properties, you know like how they say that darkness is the secret ingredient in mÅ«tura (African sausage.)
This is the kind of fast and furious that Kenyans are expecting from our very able chairman of the IEBC. They almost feel like he should borrow a leaf or two from our Education CS. This one is notorious for catching parents and candidates unawares ooh, 😂when announcing examination results.
If there’s a Luhya in the house pliz tell us what you’d call kuugia ngÅ«kÅ« in Omulembe land so that at least Chebukati hears it in his first dialect.
Anyways we need credible results so we need a flawless tallying process though we can’t help but feel curious. Even if this looks like that time when the hyena said bone swallow and we want you to kuugia ngÅ«kÅ«, please sir, take your time.
A special dedication to you Mr. Chebukati, ‘We’ll be waiting for you here inside our rooms, we are the ones who want to know our 5th.’ Rendition to Celine Dion’s ‘I’ll be waiting for you here inside my heart, I’m the one who wants to love you more.
#StillTheChronicler.