With the sun in aquarius and the love season finally here with us I can’t help but wander back to the good ol’ days when love was bold and beautiful. Long distance relationships had not been heard of and sending fare would have been considered an abomination. Now the digital world has come with not only several benefits but also mighty heartaches.
The daughters of Jezebel are squeezing the Sons of Jeroboam from every angle. Now these sons of Jeroboam have fulizad, m-shwarid and talad, all in the name of love (el nombre del Amor.) As if that’s not enough the daughters of Jezebel are behaving like the mayor in Nikolai Gogol’s, The government inspector. …’Saint Anton is his day and we bring him all manner of gifts, but that isn’t enough. St Basil is his day too, he says and we have to bring him gifts as well.’ the merchants lamented.
A story is told of a poor family who barely had anything to eat. You know the kind that would leap with joy at hearing the, ‘pesa mfukoni proposition.’ The man of the house went out early in the morning in search of bush meat. While in the forest, he heard a bird chirping happily, ‘ hihinya, hihinya, hihinya,’ which translates, ‘squeeze me, squeeze me, squeeze me.’ He advanced stealthily towards the direction of the voice and caught the most beautiful bluebird. The bird continued to chirp and he decided to do what it was asking him to do. He squeezed the bird gently and it shit a golden coin. The man was all too joyous and ran home and showed his family what he had chanced upon. He gladly demonstrated to them it’s capabilities and the bird shit yet another coin. The family was overjoyed, they sent their gakware (lastborn)for shopping as the man built a cage for the bird sent from heaven.
However as the days went by greed overtook them and they squeezed the bird until he could take it no more. The beautiful birdie went to rest with his ancestors. The family was back at one again.
What I’m I trying to say here is, ‘A voice is heard in Ramah, Rachel weeping for her children.’ It’s like said Rachel is weeping for the boychild now.
The girlchild is behaving like in that song, ‘ūgetia gīkī, ūgetia gīkī, icio ciothe ndingīona nī ūhoro waku.’ She want chocolates, flowers, candlelit dinner, expensive wine, shopping vouchers and so on and so forth.
I wish we could go back to the old days when boys used to write beautifully constructed letters. This is how most daughters of Jezebel entered the box. They’d go to the poshomill and instead of heading back home, they’d get married together with the posho leaving their kindred to sleep in hunger. Nowadays the sons of Jeroboam only know how to use emojis 😘😜🙈 Here’s a borrowed letter…..
Muguru sec,
P.O. BOX 225
Dear Sweetie,
Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. I hope you’re swimming in the wonderful pool of Mr. Health there. I am also parambulating in the cool breeze of wellness here.
Sweetie pie, the reason why this miraculous thing is happening is because, honey, I love you spontaneously, and as I stand horizontally parallel to the wall and vertically perpendicular to the ground now, I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous girl, put together as fantabulous. I implore you to decipher this my anthem of love oozing out from the innermost pendulum of my thoraxial cavity.
Darling, please stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more than a snake loves rat.
To me each day I start by dreaming of you. Each time I see you, my metabolism suddenly halts and my peristalsis goes in reverse gear. My medula oblongata also ceases functioning.
Crazy, crazy, crazy you may say but this is verily veritable. If only you knew what is going on in my encephalon, you would prostrate. That’s why I need to see you vis a vis soon for a better elucidation through tete a tete. No hyperbole & onomatopoeia, simple candidness.
Only you and me are protagonists in this subtle affair. As I cogitate and ruminate over the last episode, I genuflex before the Omnipotent and implore him to let this affair emulsify.
By the way, I was bamboozled, scintilated, exhilarated, and left in a state of prolonged euphoria by the contents of your missive which was quite edifying and exalting. It left my bio-chemistry in a paradise-like equilibrium.
Empirically speaking, I love u chemically… I don’t ever want to see gloom and doom looming over your angelic live portrait. Let my appellation be scribbled across your heart, with indelible ink. If any boy tries to ask for your companionship, tell him that u are leased and caveated.
I think I have to pen off here, because I still haven’t finished studying electrolysis polymerization. But before I evaporate, I like to revitalize your memory with those encapsulating lyrics which proclaim that your catarrh is my butter, your piss is my mimbo, the world’s greatest lover is me.
Catch you later. Sleep tight and don’t let those bed bugs bite you because you are too sweet for them.
Goodbye for now.

Your slave in love,
your pillow, your cushion.

All I want this valentine is echoed in this tune, ‘Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life.’

But for now, this tropical heat will do just fine. Turuuz…..


Published by Nyar Kaheti

Born and raised on the picturesque slopes of Mt Kenya, Nyar Kaheti is your girl next door vibe kind of girl. She enjoys reading, writing, hiking, and listening to country music among other things.

9 thoughts on “Valentino

  1. Umetetea boy child sana.
    Jeremia ako wapi afafanue hii story ni ndefu.”maboys wanahihinywo”hehehe!!!Siz l also love you as the snake loves the rat.

      1. where was I when you started writing. you remind me of Whispers and proudly put you in that league. all the best my sister.

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