Walk of shame.

The recent Police recruitment drive has taken me back in time and striked a rare chord. You may have read my chronicle on tarmacking/ job hunting, I feel like this is a top up to it.
I don’t remember how I came to know that there was an armed forces recruitment in my areas back in the days maybe it was via the radio since Newspapers we only saw them on the ocassin that matumbo (offals) graced your meal . After years of ruthless tarmacking I thought to myself, ‘why not give the army a shot, maybe this is my destiny.’
On the material day, I woke up in the wee hourd of the morning and took the short route to Marūa town as dew fell heavily on my canvas shoes. You see I had to wear a light shoe because we’d heard from previous selections that running was a must and so I had to brace myself for that eventuality. Upon arrival at Marūa town; Kahonoki, the ever faithful face me matatu was earnestly waiting for me like the ten virgins waiting for the bridegroom. That is before they dozed off. I boarded Kahonoki and she decided to wait a few more minutes for the usual town workers. I was literally sitting on my legs wondering what if I had enough coins to hire Kahonoki to drop me at Ruring’u stadium sooner than later.
Somehow Kahonoki filled up pretty fast and we were those. We cruised through the dilapidated road that was currently undergoing recarpeting and by the time I alighted at Ruringu I was smelling and looking like dirt. Not to worry though since I’m a daughter of the soil and the good book says from dust we came and to dust we’ll return. I marched through Ruring’u dirt roads like an already recruited army general and finally arrived at the stadium. The only other time I’d set foot there was when we had gone for an ASK show back in primary school and saw all the weird stuff like a speaking head on a plate and that Incy wincy spider, creepy.
Upon arrival I found other enthusiastic armed forces recruits and we chatted our minutes away while awaiting the recruitment generals. They came in their array of coloured uniforms and ordered us to queue. Ladies were allowed to stand but boychild, woooii wewe ulikosea nani? They were ordered to remove their shirts and sit on the still wet grass. Masaibu ya ndugu Jero haya. The army men were assigned queues and we stood attention waiting for the sentence to be pronounced and slowly but surely they inspected the guard of honor only it wasn’t the usual guard of honour. The first officer was in charge of checking your papers to ascertain that you had really gone through the education system and passed with walking colours and that you were not from Nyakemincha primary school. I passed the first mchunjo/ eviction and had started raising my hopes up when the second officer arrived at my spot and started checking me out from head to toe. It felt like he liked what he saw until he asked me to open my mouth and voila! I had lost my first tooth immediately after finishing form four and as the officer uttered those four words, ‘meno siwezi samehea wewe,’ all my hopes came tumbling down like the walls of Jericho. I started cursing all the patcos, Koos and tropicals I had enjoyed all along. I stepped out of the line like a chicken which had been dipped in the chilly Thagana waters. Ooh the walk of shame, I guess like Nikita I’ll never know how life in the force would have been so let me continue listening to Elton John’s Nikita you’ll never know instead.
However listening to my fellow villagemates discuss about what they had endured made me think my experience was not that bad after all. One boy was told that his feet actually looked like a woman’s. Another one was told that he weighed like a feather. And just now I’ve seen a tweet on NTV that police are more concerned about the teeth than the mind.😂😂 I guess you’ll need the teeth to feed the mind after all.
So here I am, still your chronicler.

Published by Nyar Kaheti

Born and raised on the picturesque slopes of Mt Kenya, Nyar Kaheti is your girl next door vibe kind of girl. She enjoys reading, writing, hiking, and listening to country music among other things.

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